My Crazy Psychology

So, whether or not you're sick of hearing about my weight-loss woes, I'm posting about them anyways. Sometimes, I think I could be clinically diagnosed as crazy! I don't know why things that seem to work for everybody else seem to make things worse for me, but it's definitely the case. It seems the harder I try to lose weight, the more I gain. No joke! Ever since Scott and I got engaged I've been continuously gaining weight and feel like I have lost all control... I've created so many avenues to try to help motivate me, but instead I'm finding they're demotivating me.

So, as of Tuesday, I have decided that I'm done! I'm done weighing in. I'm done counting calories. I'm done basing my self-worth on what I weigh. In fact, I just read an article on the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch that says the reason he doesn't sell sizes bigger than a 10 or L for women is because he only wants "beautiful" and "cool" people to wear his clothing... "Fat girls never fit in"! What an ASS (pardon my french, but that's the only word I can come up with for him)! I hope he goes under and rots... and I don't wish that on many people. But, with that being said, I've "said" the exact same things about myself! What?! Why is it okay for me to think these things about myself, but not okay for somebody else? It's wrong! It's stupid! It's not true! It's not okay for anyone to feel this way about themselves! We are creations of our Heavenly Father and we need to love ourselves and treat our bodies the way they should be treated... not just trying to do things to be a certain weight or fit into a certain size.

On Tuesday, I had to make the hard decision of quitting TOPS, which has now been a part of my life for 10 years. It hasn't really done anything for me weight-wise, but I have a family there and feel as though I'm abandoning them. However, Scott and I went on a walk after I told them I was quitting (and quite emotional about it I might add), and we came to this realization and analogy... This is what I wrote in an email to my TOPS family:

     "Recently, I feel as though I've built my life around hurdles. Every weight-loss meeting, health seminar, race, etc. representing the hurdles. Well, for 2 years now, rather than gracefully jumping these hurdles, I've been crashing into them and falling down. Each time I come to a hurdle, it becomes harder and harder to pick myself back up and keep going... and the hurdles seem to be getting closer and closer together. Now, every time I see a hurdle, I get stressed out and convince myself that there's no way I can clear the hurdle. On the rare occasion I do clear a hurdle, I give a big sigh of relief, but then forget that I still need the momentum to get over the next hurdle. I've realized recently that I have forgotten how to run on flat ground. If you can't run on flat ground, you can't clear hurdles.

     I realize that I need to get completely away from anything concerning weight-loss and get back to just living my life more balanced and try to make healthy choices. I can no longer try to measure my health successes and failures with a number on a scale, because it is resulting in some very unhealthy self-esteem issues. Though TOPS supports healthy lifestyle and is there for you whether you lose or gain, it is still based all on weight loss.

     I've learned from past experience that the less I worry about my weight, and focus on loving myself without knowing what I weigh, the better I am able to run on flat ground."

With that being said, since making this decision, it has already been easier. I've WANTED to eat healthy... unhealthy foods aren't even tempting me right now! It's turned from something I HAVE to do into something I WANT to do, solely because I feel better doing it. I'm no longer a slave to the scale... no longer feeling disappointed and overwhelmed when I have a gain and no longer feeling a sense of wanting to celebrate a loss with bad food... no longer trying to "cheat" the scale by starving myself the day before weigh-in and binging afterwards because I feel I'll have time to fix it before the next weigh-in.

I'm ready to just focus on being healthy and happy!