Pics galore!

So, we are going through changes in just about every aspect. Last month I found out I'm losing about 10 students for the summer, which freaked me out a little. I've signed on 3 new students and have 4 more that have shown interest, but I'm praying I can fill those 10 spots! Not only were we hit there, but Scott lost his job last week. While it should freak us out, we have both been very calm about it... It has truly been a blessing for him to be out of this job! While we are diligently praying that he can find a new one quickly, we are enjoying our time together and getting a lot of things done. We've redone our front yard, we're making plans for our house (though we can't do anything until we find another job), and we're walking often :).

Here are some pics of the beginnings of our front yard:

In between the driveways used to be just a weed patch. We dug it all up, planted bushes and put bark down. It made such a huge difference!

 This used to also be a weed patch... not anymore :).

As you can see on the right side, there's a dirt patch in our grass... There are actually 2. They used to have a whole bunch of random things planted in them with rock CEMENTED in around them. I swear the guy who lived here before glued EVERYTHING! In fact, we call him Elmer. We've planted grass in these patches and it's coming up nicely.

Just another view.

On another note, Jayna is growing right before our eyes! When she woke up Sunday morning, we both turned to each other and said, "Did she just double in size?!" No joke! Just last week I could almost fit my fingers around her thighs and on Sunday I only made it about 2/3 of the way around... Incredible! Her hair is coming in like crazy and she now has 4 teeth. She's got a ton of energy and wants to be mobile, but still hasn't figured that one out... Whew! She giggles ALL the time! We love it. She's such an extrovert and goes crazy anytime she's around kids or other babies. All I have to say is that at some point I'll have to get a nicer camera because when she's happy and awake, I can't get her to stay still long enough to get a quality picture... Bluriness everywhere!

Notice her legs aren't touching the ground... She falls asleep like this all the time! It's hilarious... Talk about abs of steel!

Love these cheeks!

Loves her books!

Right after waking up... Absolutely LOVE her!!!

This is the day I swear she doubled in size!

Check out her legs in this one!

She now fits into her Easter dress from Grandma Cox (this is when we had a hard time getting a still picture)

 ...So I had to hold her

So, she can now move around in her walker and she always ends up turning away from us, but still has to see what we're up to... This is going to teach her to walk all twisted up!

My Crazy Psychology

So, whether or not you're sick of hearing about my weight-loss woes, I'm posting about them anyways. Sometimes, I think I could be clinically diagnosed as crazy! I don't know why things that seem to work for everybody else seem to make things worse for me, but it's definitely the case. It seems the harder I try to lose weight, the more I gain. No joke! Ever since Scott and I got engaged I've been continuously gaining weight and feel like I have lost all control... I've created so many avenues to try to help motivate me, but instead I'm finding they're demotivating me.

So, as of Tuesday, I have decided that I'm done! I'm done weighing in. I'm done counting calories. I'm done basing my self-worth on what I weigh. In fact, I just read an article on the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch that says the reason he doesn't sell sizes bigger than a 10 or L for women is because he only wants "beautiful" and "cool" people to wear his clothing... "Fat girls never fit in"! What an ASS (pardon my french, but that's the only word I can come up with for him)! I hope he goes under and rots... and I don't wish that on many people. But, with that being said, I've "said" the exact same things about myself! What?! Why is it okay for me to think these things about myself, but not okay for somebody else? It's wrong! It's stupid! It's not true! It's not okay for anyone to feel this way about themselves! We are creations of our Heavenly Father and we need to love ourselves and treat our bodies the way they should be treated... not just trying to do things to be a certain weight or fit into a certain size.

On Tuesday, I had to make the hard decision of quitting TOPS, which has now been a part of my life for 10 years. It hasn't really done anything for me weight-wise, but I have a family there and feel as though I'm abandoning them. However, Scott and I went on a walk after I told them I was quitting (and quite emotional about it I might add), and we came to this realization and analogy... This is what I wrote in an email to my TOPS family:

     "Recently, I feel as though I've built my life around hurdles. Every weight-loss meeting, health seminar, race, etc. representing the hurdles. Well, for 2 years now, rather than gracefully jumping these hurdles, I've been crashing into them and falling down. Each time I come to a hurdle, it becomes harder and harder to pick myself back up and keep going... and the hurdles seem to be getting closer and closer together. Now, every time I see a hurdle, I get stressed out and convince myself that there's no way I can clear the hurdle. On the rare occasion I do clear a hurdle, I give a big sigh of relief, but then forget that I still need the momentum to get over the next hurdle. I've realized recently that I have forgotten how to run on flat ground. If you can't run on flat ground, you can't clear hurdles.

     I realize that I need to get completely away from anything concerning weight-loss and get back to just living my life more balanced and try to make healthy choices. I can no longer try to measure my health successes and failures with a number on a scale, because it is resulting in some very unhealthy self-esteem issues. Though TOPS supports healthy lifestyle and is there for you whether you lose or gain, it is still based all on weight loss.

     I've learned from past experience that the less I worry about my weight, and focus on loving myself without knowing what I weigh, the better I am able to run on flat ground."

With that being said, since making this decision, it has already been easier. I've WANTED to eat healthy... unhealthy foods aren't even tempting me right now! It's turned from something I HAVE to do into something I WANT to do, solely because I feel better doing it. I'm no longer a slave to the scale... no longer feeling disappointed and overwhelmed when I have a gain and no longer feeling a sense of wanting to celebrate a loss with bad food... no longer trying to "cheat" the scale by starving myself the day before weigh-in and binging afterwards because I feel I'll have time to fix it before the next weigh-in.

I'm ready to just focus on being healthy and happy!

Here, there and everywhere

Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I last posted! We've been busy and I've been not very motivated... so there ya have it :).

So my ma turned 60 this year on April 11th, so we all decided to go down to surprise her. It was a lot of fun and she was totally surprised! Scott and I used this as an excuse to head on down to Orem so Jayna could finally meet her Great Grandma Pay and some of her great aunts and uncles. We had so much fun and got to celebrate Scott's cousin's 18th bday while we were at it. Sadly, in all our bday excitement, we didn't get much of a chance to celebrate Gail's bday on the 13th. It was birthday madness last month!!!

We had such fun in Orem! Jayna absolutely loved gma Pay and gma Pay absolutely loved Jayna. She even got Jayna to wave to her on occasion. I even got some pics of the two of them. I realized that I have very few pictures of Jayna WITH people. I need to work on that... no pics of her with either set of grandparents, or aunts and uncles or cousins. I should be fired!

Shortly after we got home from our trip Scott got the stomach flu, followed by me. It was not fun at all! Jayna was finicky and didn't eat much the whole week, but she didn't ever show full flu symptoms either. Who knows?

I don't know if it's teething or what, but Jayna has been going through a serious sticking-the-tongue-out phase. It makes me laugh so hard! She also twists it around and even tries to imitate my "burbling". I got a few pics of how incredibly far she sticks it out. Haha!

Love this little girl!!!

The past few weeks have been really trying emotionally. My friend's almost 2-yr-old son died. I bawled almost every day feeling deep pain for my sweet friend and her husband. Now that I'm a mother, I cannot even fathom how hard it would be to lose a child. Solveig and her husband Daren are such incredible examples of strength and faith. I know their cute little boy is now with his Heavenly Father and totally free from pain and affliction, but it doesn't make it any easier for those left behind. His funeral was this last Monday and it was an incredibly beautiful service.

That evening poor Jayna broke out in a fever. I was incredibly paranoid that she was getting the flu because I had just held another friend's newborn. However, she showed no other symptoms, so I just assumed it was her teeth (which have been bothering her for quite some time). Well, the next morning the fever had not let up at all and she started throwing up :(. That day her fever reached 104.5, so I called the Dr. to see if I should come in, but they said babies can get pretty high fevers. They told us to continue bathing her (5 times a day, I might add) and attempting to give her acetaminophen (which she continuously threw up) and if her fever didn't get better after a day or two, to come in.

We tried everything to keep her hydrated and to keep her fever down, but to no avail. I took her to the Dr. today and it was such a hard appointment for her AND me. She screamed and screamed and I was on the verge of crying practically the whole time. She was fighting them when they were trying to look in her ears, so it turned into a pinning-her-down ordeal, then she had to have a catheter to catch a urine sample, and then they had to give her a suppository (I don't think I'm spelling anything correctly, but you get the point). There's nothing worse than having to see your baby screaming and looking right at you for comfort, and there's not a darn thing you can do except comfort them when it's all over.

We found out that she has a urinary tract infection, so she has to be on antibiotics. She also is on the verge of serious dehydration. Jayna won't drink anything, so I've had to syringe fluids into her, and it's still a big fight. I'm praying for some wet diapers. So far, she's not kept the meds or fluids down so well, but her fever did go down a bit today and we saw a bit of her old self in her today... but still no smiles :(. After she's done with the antibiotics, we have to go get an ultrasound done on her kidneys to make sure they're growing appropriately. We are praying this doesn't turn into anything major... I don't think I could handle it. 

We've done nothing but cuddle this whole week. I can't stand to see my baby girl in pain, but even when she's sick, she's adorable.

This one makes my heart hurt, but it's how she looked most of the week.

We're praying for some happier times in these next few weeks. It seems that as of late many loved ones have been plagued with many trials. I need some happiness... or maybe I need to create my happiness. Either way, a bit of relief would be nice.